Courage
by TheNobodyofaSOLDIER
Summary: [Erwin x Reader]


In the face of battle, a leader shows nothing but strength. His emotions are buried deep in a part of him that even he forgets. As he charges forth, he clears his mind and shares the courage with the fear stricken soldiers behind him.

In the face of death, even if loved ones are taken away, even if beloved comrades fall into the gaping jaws of death, this strong countenance cannot ever diminish. For it is now that his subordinates need a piece of that fortitude more than ever.

Commander Erwin Smith closed his eyes and deeply exhaled. The cries and snivels of his Scouts were the only sounds to be heard outside the crackling of the fire and the howling wind, crying for Humanity's loss. The flames licked a little higher tonight, almost as if they wanted to further honor the deceased that day. Nausea twisted his stomach when he counted how many he lost that day, how much blood was on his hands.

To think he was responsible for yours was a memory that would forever haunt him in his worst of nightmares.

You were not the strongest of your division, nor the smartest, the cleverest. But, you possessed an unwavering hope that rivaled the skills of every prodigy you worked with. You brought a glimmer of optimism to those around you, including the Commander. He only saw you when you brought paperwork or a cup of tea to his office but your quick exchanges never ceased to lift his spirits. You took the liberty of bring more tea just as an excuse to see him as often as possible off the battlefield or training ground. Despite his intimidating demeanor, you saw the grief he concealed, the despair that lingered in his hurting soul. Although you knew your place as a cadet, you couldn't help but long to hold him tight and let him know everything was going to be okay. Unbeknownst to you, he returned those unspoken feelings. Your innocence and delicate frame triggered an urge to keep you at his side and hide you in his embrace.

But, each time he finally gathered the courage to tell you how he felt, you always smiled, saluted and departed with nothing more to say. Of course, that was a lie. There were oceans of words you so desperately wanted to share. You couldn't find the bravery to say it.

Erwin finally forced himself to open his eyes and watch alongside the Squad leaders and cadets. He couldn't be selfish and look away. Others here watched loved ones wither away into ashes. He was the Commander. He knew what he had to do.

The news of your death slipped through his comprehension at first. You were so full of life and happiness, the thought of you lying cold and lifeless was an impossible notion to him. Even as he observed your broken corpse, lying on the cart, bloodied, limp, arm viciously torn away, and traced a finger tip along the lines of your face, he only saw your gentle smile, your twinkling eyes. Your comforting words rung clearly in his mind despite your now splintered body. As he sat alone in his office, no work was completed. Guilt viciously tortured his heart. His mind attempted to answer your cause of death; from the injuries, a Titan chewed off your arm. Perhaps it was killed, and you fell with it, your frail bones shattering on impact. If only he had been there. He could have at least held you as you died, sent you away to a better place, told you how much you truly meant to him.

You deserved so much better than this. You deserved more recognition than this. Your actions in war were not what made you special; it was your kindness and ability to see light in darkness. It was your willingness to reach out to him when everyone else fled or stood coldly, waiting for orders. You were one of the few who treated him as what he was, what he so needed to be reminded of on a day to day basis, what he was struggling for: a human being, a human being, weak and insecure, imperfect, failing as much as his subordinates.

You understood that, yet you still possessed the courage to love him despite all that.

Once the flames were gone and darkness settled over the Headquarters, the Commander wandered silently on the grounds, isolated and cold. His mind continuously filtered through his memories with you. Only then did he feel the emptiness again. Never again would you knock on his door with your specially brewed tea, idly chat with him as you waited to take the empty cup, smile, fidget with the end of your hair, tilt your head down shyly. He learned by heart all your little habits. You were more than a soldier, another tool used for Humanity's purpose. You were his angel, and he'd forever thank you for that.

Returning to his office, aware of that hole you left behind, for the first time was the hardest part in his process. He was all too familiar with grief, and he was more than familiar with the process. But, this was different. These firsts would cut him deeper than any loss he endured. As he sat in his chair, he noticed the little ceramic mug, patiently waiting for his return. Rings of the old tea stained the bottom. With a sharp exhale, he pulled out his kerchief and cleaned it out. Carefully, he placed it at the front of his desk. This would forever be in your memory. He'd never use it for fear of it breaking, but any time he felt your memory dwindled away, all he would only have to look at this plain but perfect memento; simple, easily brushed over and forgotten but to him it meant the world.

With a slow sigh, Erwin closed his eyes and leaned back into his chair. Bed was not an option. What was the point when he knew he could find no peace. Instead, he drowned himself in your memory, allowing whatever feelings followed behind. He would retain his courage again. He had no other option. Tonight, he just mourned for the precious love, aching inside him, waiting to be shared with you.

That morning, the little cup was cleaned and preserved, reflecting the cheerful rays of light. At the center, purple flowers were arranged in place of tea, the only splash of color to be seen in the Commander's office.


End file.
